Now and then I have to send business emails to doctors or folks in Europe for one forgettable reason or another. I always struggle with how to address and close those emails. When I'm communicating with your average slob in the U.S., I can pretty much use informal email protocols:
Hey Bob,
Here's your images.
Enjoy,
JP
Back in the old days of handwritten letter writing, you opened business correspondence with "Dear so & so," and closed with a selection of "Yours truly," "Sincerely", "Best wishes," etc. And I've tried that now & then with casual slap & dash office emails, but it just feels silly.
If I may be my own apologist here, I'm not saying I don't care if I sound curt or rude. I do make an effort address people by name, and end with my name, and try my best not to swear at them. It's the "dears" and "sincerelies" I get hung up on. I used to end all my memos with "Thank you," because it was safe and easy, and because I'm a cog, and that's what the cogs do. But I stopped doing that when I realized it was diluting the times when I really meant it. It's just stupid to say,
Hi Scragg,
Hope you had a nice weekend. Attached, find all fourty-five pdf documents that I spent the last 30 hours formatting and distilling for you.
Thanks,
Jer
See, I seriously used to do that. It makes absolutely no sense.
Folks across the Atlantic aren't sloppy about these things though, and they use "Dear" when they address you, and then finish with two very popular European closings, "Regards," and the much peppier "Best regards,". Oh okay, and sometimes you'll get the snazzy "Ciao!" But that only holds on so long. If you start emailing back and forth during that one hour in the morning when you are at work the same time as they are, they'll start dropping the formalities. And this requires attention so that you're not throwing in alternating varieties of "regards" when they've hit the casual threshold and you look like a machine.
The toughest though is the doctors. You just can't mess around there. It's got to be Dear Dr. [last name], even if they are the really casual personable types that like to sign with just their first names. So no matter how simply they address you and sign off, you've got to come off like a tool the whole time. And then when the ones you think are casual come back and address me as "Mr. Perez," I don't know whether I misread them, or they're just playing the game too, or if they really think I am a stiff.
I'm going nowhere with this, I know. I just haven't posted anything in a while because I've got a couple pictorial posts I want to do, but haven't had time to mess around with.
Kindest regards,
Mr. P
My dearest Jeremy:
I find that often, when attempting curt or rude emails of the sort meant to drive home a point regarding a fellow employee's shortcomings, one is often well-advised to adopt a pseudo-polite structure. The serves two purposes.
First, it makes the point at hand stand out by dint of simple stark relief. Second, it gives you the veneer of professionality that allows you to maintain the moral upper hand. Viz:
***
Hail, friend Scragg!
It is my sincerest wish that this brief and unworthy note finds you hale, hearty and blessed by the gods. No doubt you find yourself rested and ready for a full frontal assault on the week to come, in light of your relaxing weekend at home viewing the mighty struggle between the Braves and the Cubs. Much happiness may it bring you!
I, on the other hand, labor here with darkling crescents growing moment by moment beneath my eyes, pale of complexion and weary. For while you took your ease in your favorite Barcalounger, I have struggled lo these many hours to produce from the raw firmament of mere "native" documents the wondrous form and structure that is PDF.
For thirty long hours did I toil, in the complete absence of beer and without the loving company of my children. Much did I sacrifice to create these 45 PDF files for you, and much will I sacrifice further when I beat the living the snot out of you for dumping this work on me at 5 o'clock on Friday, then walking out and leaving me to finish it myself, you miserable bastard.
May the gods of justice and peace smile down on your head, and smite you a royal blow across the noggin for your thoroughgoing lack of consideration and general otiosity, you inconsiderate nimrod.
Your in truest friendship,
Jeremy
***
And thus may you preserve your standing, while at the same time telling your "friend" to take his PDF files, fold them until they're all sharp corners, and shove them up his fundament.
Best Regards,
Jor
Dang Brian!
Thanks for setting up my new email templates for me.
Is it alright to sign off as follows:
Joe Write, for the company.